Sample Essay 1 - Premium CompleteLift Evaluation

Below is an example of EssayLift’s Premium CompleteLift Evaluation. The Evaluation is split into two sections: a comprehensive critique and a revised draft. To see the original submission, click here.

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Dear Ryan,

Your essay truly provides a glimpse of who you are, and you manage to weave an inspiring and revealing story of your family’s influence on your development. It was very well-written and most importantly demonstrated your character and voice. In addition, you thoroughly and completely answered the prompt in a clear and compelling way.

Our revisions focused on emphasizing your essay’s inherent strengths. Primarily we focused on rewriting your introduction so it would better grab the reader’s attention. The dialogue your initial draft started with was adequate but failed to capitalize on the potential your essay topic provided. We also focused on eliminating repetitive statements and strengthening your examples so that your writing would flow smoothly and remain cohesive.

We’ve broken your essay down by section for more in-depth analysis.

Introduction:
You’re on the right track with the beginning of your essay. We can see you’re trying to personalize the prompt by providing a real-life example, and this effectively highlights your voice. We didn’t want to dramatically alter your content, so instead we reworked how you presented your introduction to make it read more like a story. The most poignant part of your introduction (which we interpreted as your first two paragraphs) was the fact your parents sacrificially separated, so we built off of that and added in the dialogue with your friends as supporting detail.

We were at a crossroads. My father’s job required he return to Germany, but my family was hesitant to leave the United States, especially because they valued my American education. After tense deliberation, my parents finally decided my father would go abroad by himself.

That decision, made as I entered high school, dramatically altered my character. At first, I was jealous of my friends and their parents. I remember being confused by schoolwork and asking classmates how they solved certain problems, only to hear, “my parents helped me.” But later I began to realize my parents’ sacrifice provided me with the opportunity to thrive in a unique environment, one that exposed me to life’s most rigorous obstacles and allowed me to model myself after their hard work.

Paragraphs 3 -5:
This is where your essay has the potential to shine. You provide a number of solid, specific examples of how your parents inspired you, and you also do a good job of tying this together with details about how you grew. This is key in a question that asks you to address someone’s influence on you, and your approach to this prompt is well-executed.

Again, much of your content needs little revision. Instead, we focused on cutting down on extraneous words, expanding upon general statements (such as “profound conversations”) and highlighting other specific examples (such as dealing with credit card fraud).

Above all else, we tried to maintain the sense of your maturation, as it showcases your individual voice and character. Thus, we eliminated certain sentences (such as how you know you’ll deal with similar real-life problems in the future) in order to keep the focus on how your parents influenced you.

Our new living situation meant my dad could only visit the States once every two months. My parents’ sacrifice, however, revealed the strength of their character and inspired me to emulate them. They fought distance and hardship - my mother even went through a period of depression – by constantly expressing joy, optimism and thankfulness. Their tenacity and perseverance motivated me to prove their sacrifice worthwhile, and I responded by trying to excel in every opportunity high school provided me, such as rigorous courses and extracurricular activities.

Their determination pushed me to be a leader at home as well, and I sought to express my appreciation by helping out any way I could. I took on the role of the father figure, guiding my younger brother through school. I also became my mom’s friend and confidant, listening to her problems and supporting her emotionally. Lastly, I found myself maturing quickly as I dealt with everyday problems such as credit card fraud, car accidents, incorrect billings and house maintenance.

Conclusion:
The key here is to remember the prompt. You are being asked to explain how someone has influenced you, not necessarily how you grew through a specific situation. Although these two ideas are similar, we sought to emphasize your parents’ influence while moving what you learned into a more secondary position. We achieved this by reworking your topic sentence. The rest of the conclusion was well-written and required only a bit of reorganization.

It was only by following my parents’ example that I was able to endure these difficult times. I admired their ability to persevere, remain hopeful and be thankful, and by observing them I eventually developed the same characteristics. Their decision to sacrifice and separate gave me the opportunity to be a father, a confidant, a brother and a son and molded me into a more mature and well-rounded individual.

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Revised Essay:
We were at a crossroads. My father’s job required he return to Germany, but my family was hesitant to leave the United States, especially because they valued my American education. After tense deliberation, my parents finally decided it would be best if my father went abroad by himself.

That decision, made as I entered high school, dramatically altered my character. At first, I was jealous of my friends and their parents. I remember being confused by schoolwork and asking classmates how they solved certain problems, only to hear, “my parents helped me.” But later I began to realize my parents’ sacrifice provided me with the opportunity to thrive in a unique environment, one that exposed me to life’s most rigorous obstacles and allowed me to model myself after their hard work.

Our new living situation meant my dad could only visit the States once every two months. My parents’ sacrifice, however, revealed the strength of their character and inspired me to emulate them. They fought distance and hardship - my mother even went through a period of depression – by constantly expressing joy, optimism and thankfulness. Their tenacity and perseverance motivated me to prove their sacrifice worthwhile, and I responded by trying to excel in every opportunity high school provided me, such as rigorous courses and extracurricular activities.

Their determination pushed me to be a leader at home as well, and I sought to express my appreciation by helping out any way I could. I took on the role of the father figure, guiding my younger brother through school. I also became my mom’s friend and confidant, listening to her problems and supporting her emotionally. Lastly, I found myself maturing quickly as I dealt with everyday problems such as credit card fraud, car accidents, incorrect billings and house maintenance.

It was only by following my parents’ example that I was able to endure these difficult times. I admired their ability to persevere, remain hopeful and be thankful, and by observing them I eventually developed the same characteristics. Their decision to sacrifice and separate gave me the opportunity to be a father, a confidant, a brother and a son and molded me into a more mature and well-rounded individual.