Sample Essay 2 - Premium CompleteLift Evaluation

Below is an example of EssayLift’s Premium CompleteLift Evaluation. The Evaluation is split into two sections: a comprehensive critique and a revised draft. To see the original submission, click here.

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Dear Michael,

You’ve crafted a well-developed narrative that truly draws the reader in. Your essay clearly conveys your dedication and enthusiasm for Tae Kwon Do and also showcases your voice and personality. In addition, your use of specific details and timely imagery enlivens the story and makes for an entertaining read. Most importantly, your essay completely answers the prompt. You communicate your ability to learn from embarrassing and difficult moments and in doing so provide a glimpse of your determination and work ethic.

Your essay is also well-paced. It is obvious you have spent a great deal of time planning and structuring your writing, so we focused our revisions on cleaning up your existing content. For instance, we tried to vary your sentence structure and eliminate extraneous words in order to maximize the effectiveness of your examples.

We also believe your essay could be strengthened by a more thorough discussion of what you learned from your Tae Kwon Do blunder. This learning experience is the most important part of your essay in terms of completely answering the prompt and thus needs more attention. Moreover, explaining what you learned will also provide a natural transition into your discussion of how you plan to succeed in college.

Below are notes on other parts of your essay:

Introduction:
The strength of your writing lies in your use of detail and imagery, and your introduction deftly employs both. We didn’t find it necessary to completely rework your introduction and instead focused on restructuring your syntax in order to emphasize the rush of memories you felt.

Memories flood my mind as I stare at row after row of home videos. I’m transported back to my sixth birthday party, cake smeared all over my radiant, smiling face. A moment later I’m at my first band concert, my face a bright red tomato as I struggle to play the trumpet. But then one special tape catches my eye, and I flash back to a memory more precious than all the others.

Paragraph 2:
This part of your essay needed little revision. You do an admirable job of weaving together specific details and immersing the reader in the action. Our edits focused on tightening up your prose and improving flow by eliminating unnecessary words and varying your sentence structure. We also split up the narrative into multiple paragraphs in order to add an element of suspense.

A six-year-old boy is draped in a white Tae Kwon Do uniform, a Korean flag adorning one sleeve and an American flag gracing the other. His name is neatly embroidered in Korean on the front of the oversized uniform, and a gold cross necklace hangs from his neck. The boy waits in line, ready to break a wooden board with a jumping sidekick. He looks nervous.

Finally, his turn arrives. A group of spectators watch as he assumes a fighting stance in preparation for his big kick. Three venerable Tae Kwon Do headmasters – each with the power to fulfill or smash the boy’s dream of earning a more esteemed belt – watch every move from a distance. The boy musters his courage, lets out a loud and high-pitched “Hyah!” that’s far from intimidating and waddles down the runway like a goose readying to fly.

All of a sudden, disaster strikes. He trips on his oversized pant leg and falls flats on his face. The boy hears the gasps and snickers of the audience. He forces himself to stand but cannot muster the strength to break the board after his devastating fall.

Paragraph 3:
As we mentioned before, it is crucial that you develop the latter part of this paragraph by explaining in detail how the experience helped you learn. For example, did it teach you to persevere or work harder? Or perhaps it taught you to accept mistakes as a necessary element of growth? Explicitly outline what you gained from the accident so that you can later discuss how the lessons apply to your life today.

I remember the shame of that moment vividly. I couldn’t handle my failure and even considered quitting Tae Kwon Do and abandoning my dreams of success. But eleven years later, my embarrassment has given way to laughter. My small “stupid” mistake actually proved to be beneficial in the long run, as it turned me into a more determined and focused individual. I learned to persevere by developing the inner strength needed to succeed in my sport, and I resolved never to run away from obstacles. (Feel free to include additional information on the specific ways you grew. Remember, this is the key point of your essay!)

Paragraph 4:
In your final paragraph we focused on wrapping up your narrative and transitioning into your academic goals. We aimed for clarity by using multiple paragraphs, but for the most part, we let the strength of your individual writing and voice shine through. Well done!

My dedication finally paid off this year when I finished first at a state-wide tournament. I stood proudly on the winner’s platform, a second-degree black belt around my waist, the highest rank of any student in my Tae Kwon Do school. A shiny gold medal hung from my neck, symbolizing my accomplishment and dulled only by the sparkles in my eyes. I had fallen and I had failed, but now I was standing on the highest pedestal filled with a sense of victory.

As I prepare to enter college, I realize the lessons I learned in Tae Kwon Do are just as applicable to my development as a scholar. I am well-aware that computer science is a rigorous and mentally demanding major, and I know I will trip and fall like I did eleven years ago. But I also know I will get back up and succeed. To me, there are no “stupid” blunders, only “clever” mistakes. Every misstep challenges and helps me become stronger, and I expect to look back one day and see that I achieved everything I set out to accomplish.

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Revised Essay:
Memories flood my mind as I stare at row after row of home videos. All of a sudden I’m back at my sixth birthday party, cake smeared all over my radiant, smiling face. A moment later I’m at my first band concert, my face a bright red tomato as I struggle to play the trumpet. But then one special tape catches my eye, and I’m transported to a memory more precious than all the others.

A six-year-old boy is draped in a white Tae Kwon Do uniform, a Korean flag adorning one sleeve and an American flag gracing the other. His name is neatly embroidered in Korean on the front of the oversized uniform, and a gold cross necklace hangs from his neck. The boy waits in line, ready to break a wooden board with a jumping sidekick. He looks nervous.

Finally, his turn arrives. A group of spectators watch as he assumes a fighting stance in preparation for his big kick. Three venerable Tae Kwon Do headmasters – each with the power to fulfill or smash the boy’s dream of earning a more esteemed belt – watch every move from a distance. The boy musters his courage, lets out a loud and high-pitched “Hyah!” that’s far from intimidating and waddles down the runway like a goose readying to fly.

All of a sudden, disaster strikes. He trips on his oversized pant leg and falls flats on his face. The boy hears the gasps and snickers of the audience. He forces himself to stand but cannot muster the strength to break the board after his devastating fall.

I remember the shame of that moment vividly. I couldn’t handle my failure and even considered quitting Tae Kwon Do and abandoning my dreams of success. But eleven years later, my embarrassment has given way to laughter. My small “stupid” mistake actually proved to be beneficial in the long run, as it turned me into a more determined and focused individual. I learned to persevere by developing the inner strength needed to succeed in my sport, and I resolved never to run away from obstacles. (Feel free to include additional information on the specific ways you grew. Remember, this is the key point of your essay!)

My dedication finally paid off this year when I finished first at a state-wide tournament. I stood proudly on the winner’s platform, a second-degree black belt around my waist, the highest rank of any student in my Tae Kwon Do school. A shiny gold medal hung from my neck, symbolizing my accomplishment and dulled only by the sparkles in my eyes. I had fallen and I had failed, but now I was standing on the highest pedestal filled with a sense of victory.

As I prepare to enter college, I realize the lessons I learned in Tae Kwon Do are just as applicable to my development as a scholar. I am well-aware that computer science is a rigorous and mentally demanding major, and I know I will trip and fall like I did eleven years ago. But I also know I will get back up and succeed. To me, there are no “stupid” blunders, only “clever” mistakes. Every misstep challenges and helps me become stronger, and I expect to look back one day and see that I achieved everything I set out to accomplish.